"You could, for example, not fuck the person you know wouldn't fuck you if s/he knew you were trans. That's the most obvious choice. That way you don't risk getting bashed, [...]"

To borrow outright steal a meme from kynn, why isn't it the cis person's responsibility to preemptively disclose, "By the way, if I find out you're trans, I'll beat|kill you," as an even more certain way of not having trans people get bashed by their lovers?

(Hint: one of the places you went wrong was when you wrote, "you know wouldn't..." Until we can mandate 'phobes wearing some sort of warning symbol, that's not always so easy. Another place you went wrong is blaming the victim instead of the perpetrator of the violence,/em>. Bashing is never the right answer, and regardless of how confused someone is after having their worldview challenged by the existence of someone who isn't what they expect, the shame, blame, guilt, culpability, etc. for bashing rests squarely on the basher, not the victim, because violence is simply not acceptable morally, ethically, or technically legally (though to our whole society's shame, the "trans panic" defense has worked before in court). )