Hmm, as a transwoman, I'll try and answer this, if that's okay.
First, I hope that it's okay with you* if most transwomen do not personally consider themselves disgusting or whatever. So basically, the atmosphere is nice and a guy is interested in me. It's obviously time to think about how people consider me to be a revolting piece of trash.
Can you imagine having to remind yourself that, despite the way the person is really friendly and nice, and they are interested in what you're saying, they probably actually hate you and will beat the shit out of you for not stopping them, and that that is your fault and you have to do something about it, while simultaneously believing that there is nothing wrong with you?
I personally, from this kind of rant and other stuff I've read on the Internet, I have internalized quite clearly that many straight guys would consider me an incredibly revolting sexual partner because I am transsexual. And that is why I freeze up or pretend not to notice when I get any flirting or sexual advance from a guy, because if I led him on he would feel terrible for having made the mistake of flirting with human trash like me.
However, I am insane.
Most people don't consider themselves to be secretly trash. There are even some transwomen who don't.
So however reasonable the strategy of going "hey you're acting like you like me but do you secretly hate me for stupid reasons, which is my responsibility to find out and then probably get treated like shit" may look to you, in practice a sane person who doesn't hate themselves can't do it.
Like for example, if you believe that, then it seems like you should also...
Say you were gay. And you went swimming at a pool. But in the men's changing room, you can see members of the attractive sex naked. And obviously that's peeping, looking at men naked under the false pretense that you're straight. (I picked guys in particular because I think a lot of guys used to consider having a gay guy in the changing room sexually violating. And, I mean, it is peeping at least as much as having sex without telling your partner that you're transsexual is nonconsensual.) So... gay men shouldn't use the changing room, would you say?
But these days nobody thinks that way. Why not? Because it's so fucked up for the people who would have to live the way you're theorizing about.***
*: Everyone has their own pet theories about transsexuality, and the great thing is that all of them are right!
**: But not me personally, I'd feel guilty about tricking him into treating me as attractive even this much.
***: As a thought experiment, wouldn't it be more natural for the transphobic straight guy to take the responsibility of asking his partners if they were transsexual? What would that be like? Why does that seem so ridiculous?
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timeasmymeasure
no subject
Date: 2010-08-07 09:52 am (UTC)First, I hope that it's okay with you* if most transwomen do not personally consider themselves disgusting or whatever. So basically, the atmosphere is nice and a guy is interested in me. It's obviously time to think about how people consider me to be a revolting piece of trash.
Can you imagine having to remind yourself that, despite the way the person is really friendly and nice, and they are interested in what you're saying, they probably actually hate you and will beat the shit out of you for not stopping them, and that that is your fault and you have to do something about it, while simultaneously believing that there is nothing wrong with you?
I personally, from this kind of rant and other stuff I've read on the Internet, I have internalized quite clearly that many straight guys would consider me an incredibly revolting sexual partner because I am transsexual. And that is why I freeze up or pretend not to notice when I get any flirting or sexual advance from a guy, because if I led him on he would feel terrible for having made the mistake of flirting with human trash like me.
However, I am insane.
Most people don't consider themselves to be secretly trash. There are even some transwomen who don't.
So however reasonable the strategy of going "hey you're acting like you like me but do you secretly hate me for stupid reasons, which is my responsibility to find out and then probably get treated like shit" may look to you, in practice a sane person who doesn't hate themselves can't do it.
Like for example, if you believe that, then it seems like you should also...
Say you were gay. And you went swimming at a pool. But in the men's changing room, you can see members of the attractive sex naked. And obviously that's peeping, looking at men naked under the false pretense that you're straight. (I picked guys in particular because I think a lot of guys used to consider having a gay guy in the changing room sexually violating. And, I mean, it is peeping at least as much as having sex without telling your partner that you're transsexual is nonconsensual.) So... gay men shouldn't use the changing room, would you say?
But these days nobody thinks that way. Why not? Because it's so fucked up for the people who would have to live the way you're theorizing about.***
*: Everyone has their own pet theories about transsexuality, and the great thing is that all of them are right!
**: But not me personally, I'd feel guilty about tricking him into treating me as attractive even this much.
***: As a thought experiment, wouldn't it be more natural for the transphobic straight guy to take the responsibility of asking his partners if they were transsexual? What would that be like? Why does that seem so ridiculous?